Peanut Butter

The night seemed to melt around you like paraffin; warm and soothing. You’ve always looked at me as if it’s the first time you’ve seen me, but this time it was true.

You didn’t finish your yogurt. It wasn’t important. There was only time for what was important. In the moment, we were important. I pretended I didn’t know why.

Do you remember when..

We always do that. And there’s always something to remember.

I think I’m only now seeing you.

That’s my fault. Before now I’ve shown you only what you needed to see to be comfortable. It seemed best.

I’ve misjudged you, I think.

Most do. I prefer it. Still, it startled me that you could be so much more when there was so much less of you.

I would say the night was more like peanut butter. I like peanut butter. But everybody knows that peanut butter is only ever in your hair by intention. It’s only ever there because it needs to be. Because you put it there to get the gum out. It’s for the best, mom always said..

Well, mom, boys don’t get gum stuck in their hair. Someone has to put it there.

But that’s okay, I can handle it.

It’s not a fair fight. I’ve seen you from the beginning. It took you a long time to say those things, but I’ve always seen them. I knew those things would eventually be said.

You love the beginning, the first step. The little sliver between freedom and risk, the tiniest of moments that makes you forget for half a second that you’ve ever felt heartache. I loved how much you loved it. So that’s what I’ve always given you. A dozen first steps, free of risk, free of pain. That was more important than whatever I couldn’t decide I wanted.

You are a bad person.

Now we come to it. And I suppose you’re right. See, I played that playlist because I knew you would like it. I didn’t play the other one because I knew you’d like it more. Because that’s who I am. Cocky and cautious in one step. Crunchy and smooth. I had hoped you’d see around it.

I’m not that silky José Gonzalez song, or the hundred other songs on that playlist. No I’m that sticky Billy Joel song. The one you’ve listened to a dozen times trying to understand why anyone in their right mind would care for a girl like that.

Maybe not everyone likes peanut butter.

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Well it goes like this, the fourth the fifth..

 

well she tied you to her kitchen chair
and she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

 

 

baby i’ve been here before
i’ve seen this room and i’ve walked this floor
ya know, i used to live alone before i knew ya

 

 

there was a time when you’d let me know
what’s really going on below
but now you never show that to me do ya

 

 

maybe there’s a god above
but all i’ve ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who out-drew ya
and it’s not a cry that you hear at night
it’s not somebody who’s seen the light
it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

 

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SOTD: Grateful Dead

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SOTD: Band of Horses

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And Sometimes..

..I ignore my blog completely for more than a month. Let’s be honest, it is intentional. It isn’t truly a blog anyway. Right?

But there’s a reason you come here. I’m here because I own the place. I keep house, maintain the ambience, manage utilities, blah blah. My presence is required. But you, you’re a guest. Your presence here is optional. If you don’t want to come here, you don’t have to.

So maybe you’re here because you compulsively tap every link that makes its way into your social feed. Or maybe you’re here because you’re so deprived of invites to the newest, hottest and most exclusive social music clubs on the Internets that this is your only source for music discovery. That would truly be a sad state of affairs, my friend. (Btw, if we’re friends on Facebook, you can totally get in on turntable.fm. You’re welcome.)

Or maybe you come here on your own, “just to see”. But to see what?

Conscious or not, you’re looking for something. A minute ago, you were somewhere else, looking. Right now, you’re here. Looking. Maybe you play a few seconds of the song, maybe you read the lyrics, maybe the photos make sense and maybe they don’t. Maybe you’re reading between lines, or maybe you’re just killing time. Maybe..

So what are you looking for? And what makes you think you’re going to find it here?

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Scars

“Don’t you have enough scars on you by now to know that things heal?”  - Human Target

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