Echo
I jolted awake just now. My heart is pounding like I died for a minute. It startled me. I haven’t seen it for so long I sometimes wonder if I imagined it to begin with.
I dreamed of it again. I dreamed of that place where we were when you saw what I had seen before. Time and space were suddenly altered, just materials to be molded and shaped as we liked. I blinked and stood on the spot where I knew what you had known.
Then came the storm as it always does. There was so much lightning my heart didn’t need as many beats to keep the rhythm. You were unchanged. You didn’t even flinch as that rain drop splattered on your nose.
That canyon must have been the end of the world. I walked out as far as I could. I was convinced I would see the edge of the universe if I could just balance there long enough to lean out and look. I didn’t worry, not for a second. I knew your hands were there, sturdy and always ready. You’d catch me before I slipped if the rocks decided to abandon their usual resting places. You’d always catch me.
When the cliffs had finally had enough of my trespassing footfall, I reached behind my back for your sturdy hands. They weren’t there. Had I dreamed them, too?
As I slid and tumbled, I heard the echo of someone calling your name. It was loud, booming as if the entire planet was reflecting it back at me. It took the echo of the universe for me to recognize my own voice. Only my voice, alone with your name, new to me as if I had never spoken it outloud.
Just before I hit the ground, I caught the ledge of a bridge made of rock. It must have been there for thousands of years. It shattered in my hand as if its frailty was by design, vengeance for my foreseen trespass.
The shards of ancient rock were still in my hand when I finally hit the canyon floor. I clutched them against my breathless chest and strained to hear the lingering echo until the sky went dark.
My eyes are open wide and I’m gasping for air for what seems like several eternities before a breath finally comes. My ears are ringing with the echo from the canyon. Without instruction my eyes are darting around the room sorting out my surroundings, my mind scrambling to distinguish dream from reality. Did I dream your hands? Were they never really there? But I had never been so sure of something. They had to have been there. So why did I fall?
As my heart settles back to its normal pace, I feel a cramp in my hand. Still clenched in a fist. I relax my hand, half expecting to find the shards of rock. I find nothing but a sweaty palm, and I lay back down as a sadness settles in. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.
I suppose falling is inevitable for all who walk those cliffs so boldly. I assumed myself invulnerable to the forces at work in any of those places because when I dreamed of them, you were always there. Sturdy and always ready.
Almost always.
Read MorePeanut Butter
The night seemed to melt around you like paraffin; warm and soothing. You’ve always looked at me as if it’s the first time you’ve seen me, but this time it was true.
You didn’t finish your yogurt. It wasn’t important. There was only time for what was important. In the moment, we were important. I pretended I didn’t know why.
Do you remember when..
We always do that. And there’s always something to remember.
I think I’m only now seeing you.
That’s my fault. Before now I’ve shown you only what you needed to see to be comfortable. It seemed best.
I’ve misjudged you, I think.
Most do. I prefer it. Still, it startled me that you could be so much more when there was so much less of you.
I would say the night was more like peanut butter. I like peanut butter. But everybody knows that peanut butter is only ever in your hair by intention. It’s only ever there because it needs to be. Because you put it there to get the gum out. It’s for the best, mom always said..
Well, mom, boys don’t get gum stuck in their hair. Someone has to put it there.
But that’s okay, I can handle it.
It’s not a fair fight. I’ve seen you from the beginning. It took you a long time to say those things, but I’ve always seen them. I knew those things would eventually be said.
You love the beginning, the first step. The little sliver between freedom and risk, the tiniest of moments that makes you forget for half a second that you’ve ever felt heartache. I loved how much you loved it. So that’s what I’ve always given you. A dozen first steps, free of risk, free of pain. That was more important than whatever I couldn’t decide I wanted.
You are a bad person.
Now we come to it. And I suppose you’re right. See, I played that playlist because I knew you would like it. I didn’t play the other one because I knew you’d like it more. Because that’s who I am. Cocky and cautious in one step. Crunchy and smooth. I had hoped you’d see around it.
I’m not that silky José Gonzalez song, or the hundred other songs on that playlist. No I’m that sticky Billy Joel song. The one you’ve listened to a dozen times trying to understand why anyone in their right mind would care for a girl like that.
Maybe not everyone likes peanut butter.
Read MoreThe Intelligence of a Few..
“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.”
~ Phaedrus
Read MoreWell it goes like this, the fourth the fifth..
well she tied you to her kitchen chair
and she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah
baby i’ve been here before
i’ve seen this room and i’ve walked this floor
ya know, i used to live alone before i knew ya
there was a time when you’d let me know
what’s really going on below
but now you never show that to me do ya
maybe there’s a god above
but all i’ve ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who out-drew ya
and it’s not a cry that you hear at night
it’s not somebody who’s seen the light
it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
SOTD: The Naked & Famous
When the daylight comes
Do you feel it?
Leave your bag of bones
Underneath your bed
Everything is as
It should be
I’m leaving now
As I should be
No way, no way
No we’re never gonna talk about it
No way, no way
No we’re never gonna speak again
No way, no way
No we’re never gonna talk about it
No way, no way
When the night descends
Are you sleeping?
All the things you’ve done
Come to haunt you
All that we can do
Is smile
It would be like this
For a while
No way, no way
No we’re never gonna talk about it
No way, no way
No we’re never gonna speak again
No way, no way
No we’re never gonna talk about it
No way, no way
I’m not sad, really
All this means, losing
Letting go
Don’t look out
No way, no way, no way
